Prioritize Mental Health: The Critical Role of Communication

By Ramon van Sprundel
Posted on: 2026-07-15 | Tags: #personal

Tl;dr: I am gradually learning to coexist with severe depression. While my professional trajectory is currently failing, I have found solace in the fact that I am not facing this alone.

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The Initial Spark and the Sudden Drop

When I began my first BSc internship, I was brimming with pure excitement. I saw it as the perfect opportunity to apply my academic knowledge to a corporate environment where my skills could provide genuine value. I accepted that I was starting at the bottom, believing that hard work would naturally lead to advancement.

However, the reality was different. I tried to convince myself that the struggle was simply due to balancing school and work, but the truth was deeper: I lacked the internal motivation to execute my assigned tasks.

The Performance Gap

As I entered the professional world, my mental state directly impacted my output. The consistent feedback I received was clear: "Communication is not good."

This lack of transparency created a destructive cycle:

1. Tasks were completed at a glacial pace.
2. I failed to communicate delays or hurdles.
3. Acceptance environments degraded, leading to customer dissatisfaction.
4. Management lost trust in my work, increasing overall team stress.

Expectation vs. Reality

The Spiral of Self-Doubt

I transitioned from an aspiring, confident systems engineer—someone who even received a high-level job offer I knew I couldn't fulfill—to someone questioning every decision I've ever made.

I blamed my lack of experience.
I blamed my bosses for being idiots. (While I still believe they are, that doesn't excuse my performance).

Ultimately, I realized that something about my approach was fundamentally incompatible with the needs of the companies I worked for. I suspect the issue is a lack of discipline, but currently, I lack the mental capacity to address it.

The "LLM" Effect

I often multitask, starting several tasks but failing to "dot the i's and cross the t's." The advent of Large Language Models (LLMs) exacerbated this.

# Example of the "Sloppy Path"
def deploy_code(ai_generated_snippet):
    # The AI 'barfs' out code
    # The developer commits without a rigorous test path
    commit_to_main(ai_generated_snippet) 
    # Result: Regression errors in production

LLMs remove the natural friction that forces a developer to test their work. It is now too easy to simply commit whatever the AI produces without following a disciplined verification path.

Diagnosis and Recovery

I have reached a point where I no longer feel aware of my own actions or capable of tracking my responsibilities. Consequently, I have been diagnosed with severe depression.

Current Treatment Plan:

• Medication: fluoxetine and oxazepam.
• Financials: Living on government benefits to allow for a healing period.
• Work: Currently unable to maintain a career, though I still engage in occasional open-source contributions (provided they are beneficial).

I am deeply grateful for the support system that has kept me afloat:

• My General Practitioner (GP)
• The PAPC
• My friends and family

The Lesson: Communication is Key

I've realized that much of the friction in my life was caused by a failure to communicate. When you hide your feelings, people misunderstand your actions. I carry regrets that could have been avoided if I had simply spoken the truth.

In terms of mental health, we can think of the relationship between stability and performance as: $\text{Performance} \approx \frac{\text{Discipline} \times \text{Communication}}{\text{Mental Burden}}$

I previously tried to cope by posting my inner thoughts on my blog. I eventually deleted all of them (though they persist in the git history). The responses were mixed—some felt related, some were pedantic, and some thought I was whining. I accept all these perspectives as potentially true.

Looking Forward: Goals for 2027

My ultimate objective is a stable life and a stable career where I am not a burden to my employer. When I return to work, I will likely avoid software development, as I no longer feel I can perform that role to a standard I am proud of.

My Roadmap for the end of 2027:

• Eliminate "stupid" mistakes: Ensure no steps are skipped in a process.
• Implement rigorous planning: Create a strict plan for every task and adhere to it exclusively.
• Secure stable employment: Find a role that fits my current capabilities.
• Cultivate work discipline: Build the mental fortitude to see tasks through to completion.