Reflections on My Mother (1941-2026)

By A.J. Jacobs

For a long stretch of time, my mother and I maintained a ritual: the daily exchange of gratitude emails. Each day, we would send one another a single thing we were thankful for.

Her messages were often simple yet poignant:

• "I’m grateful for our cat Hoho who always makes me laugh."
• "I’m grateful for my gorgeous hydrangeas."
• "I’m grateful that I’m allergic to chocolate, so I’m not tempted to eat it."

That last one was a masterclass in bad luck positive reframing—turning a genetic limitation into a dietary advantage.

Over the years, I sent her hundreds of these notes. Looking back, there is one sentiment I wish I had expressed more frequently: how deeply grateful I was that Ellen Jacobs was my mother.

A Legacy of Support and Curiosity

My mother's devotion was sometimes borderline obsessive in the most loving way. When I published The Know-It-All, she purchased so many copies via Amazon that the company actually banned her from buying more. They suspected she was attempting to launch a rival bookstore.

She was also my intellectual partner; when I was digging into the life of Elvis Presley for a book, she stepped up as a volunteer researcher. She embodied intellectual curiosity and shared a vital piece of wisdom via email:

"A sense of humor will get you through the toughest times--never lose it."

While I did inherit her tendency toward nervousness and worry, I accept that as part of the package. To use a phrase from Walt Whitman (a subject of her studies as a Cornell English major), my mother contained multitudes.

---

🍎 My Mom the Teacher

For two decades, she taught middle-school science. She was adored by her students because she transformed abstract concepts into tangible, tasty experiences.

To explain the $\text{Big Bang Theory}$, she didn't just use a chalkboard; she used a kitchen.

• The Batter (Lemon): Represented the expanse of space.
• The Raisins: Represented the forming galaxies.

Years later, I received a letter from Dan Barber, the world-renowned chef and owner of Blue Hill at Stone Barns. He recalled her "kitchen corner," equipped with professional tools. He described the struggle of preparing "Ants on a Log"—trying to align the raisins and spread the peanut butter perfectly.

"She was so encouraging. The feeling that came over me that afternoon--accomplishment and deep satisfaction--is what I’ve been chasing every night for the last 20 years."

---

💎 My Mom the Artist

If teaching was her profession, jewelry making was where she truly dazzled. She crafted intricate pieces using gemstones—including beryl, a nod to my sister, Beryl.

I remember her in her studio, looking less like a jeweler and more like a factory worker at a Detroit Chrysler plant, clad in industrial goggles and wielding a flaming torch. She mastered the difficult art of cloisonné (a technique using wire and melted enamel to create images of flowers or swans). Her mentor, Melissa, regarded her as a "legend" in the field.

---

🍭 My Mom the Grandma

She took immense pride in being a grandmother to five: Jasper, Zane, Lucas, Isabella, and Micaela. She even wore a T-shirt that proclaimed: "What happens at Grandma’s, stays at Grandma’s."

She was the perfect level of indulgent. For instance, she would secretly take my sons to the local store for lollipops after school. I only found out because the store owner kept the secret leaked the truth.

---

🐈 My Mom the Cat Mom

The only entity that rivaled the grandkids for her affection was Hoho the cat. I recall visiting her while she read a magazine in bed; she would be squeezed into the far Northwest corner of the mattress because Hoho had claimed the rest of the bed as his own personal continent.

---

🤝 My Mom the Supportive Friend

During the quarantine of her 80th birthday, Beryl and I collected notes from her inner circle. A consistent theme emerged: she was a "lifeline" for others. Whether it was a business collapse, a death, or a divorce, she provided a steady stream of wisdom and gentleness.

---

❤️ My Mom the Spouse

My parents' relationship was a gold standard for me. They fell in love as students at Cornell and remained devoted for a lifetime. In recent years, my father took on the grueling role of her caretaker during her battle with dementia, never ceasing to remind us, "Your mom is an amazing woman."

Their early marriage was a testament to her courage. She moved from New York to Korea to join my father during his Army station—a massive leap of faith in an era before the internet.

She also loved his quirks. No matter how many times she had heard them, she always laughed at his "classics," such as when he would go to a friend's house and order a “Yellow Light”.

Final Checklist of Her Influence:

• Taught the value of curiosity
• Modeled an enduring marriage
• Inspired future world-class chefs
• Spread kindness to friends in crisis
• Mastered the art of the "positive spin"

{
  "legacy": "Ellen Jacobs",
  "years": "1941-2026",
  "key_traits": ["Curious", "Kind", "Artistic", "Indulgent"],
  "status": "Deeply Missed"
}