Just Do It Anyway

By Joel Auterson Member of the Rare Mammals collective | Alumnus of Barbican Young Poets & Southbank New Poets

---

The Implosion

Recently, I experienced what I can only describe as a "crashout." It wasn't a loud, cinematic explosion, but rather a quiet, internal collapse.

My resolve and motivation didn't just break; they disintegrated, turning into that soggy, unrecognizable mush you get when you accidentally leave a tissue in your pocket during a laundry cycle.

I'm feeling more stable now, but I felt it was necessary to document this mental spiral—if only to provide a map for my future self when I inevitably hit this wall again.

The Catalyst: Generative AI

The source of my distress is a narrative far too common in creative circles: Generative AI. We are witnessing a systemic devaluation of human craftsmanship, where the work of artists is consumed and spat back at us via a subscription-based model—like a robotic bird feeding its young.

Art vs. Code

My outlook varies depending on the medium:

• Visual Arts: I maintain some optimism here. AI-generated "art" is, by its very nature, anti-art. It is often aesthetically bankrupt and socially cringeworthy.
• Programming: This is where I spend my time, and here, the situation is far more precarious.

The software engineering landscape is currently the most volatile I've ever seen. For years, we enjoyed a period of relative stability, but we are now in the midst of a seismic shift. Every developer is forced to decide how to pivot, but doing so without a crystal ball is agonizing.

While some have succumbed to the pressure—and rightfully so, as LLMs are now incredibly proficient at writing code—I find the alternative hollow.

The Cost of Efficiency

I am not trying to lobby anyone to change their workflow, but for me, the math doesn't add up:

$\text{Joy} = \text{Effort} \times \text{Ownership}$

When a code assistant does the heavy lifting, the $\text{Ownership}$ variable drops to near zero. I don't enjoy the process, I don't feel the output is "mine," and I derive zero pride from the result.

I used to think I could just ignore it and tinker in my own corner. But now, it feels as though the very essence of the craft—the struggle and the discovery—has been replaced by a prompt. It sounds vain, but I admit that I crave the validation and "head pats" from my peers that come from actually solving a problem.

The Breaking Point

The final straw was a thread by Zach Gage suggesting that game development is evolving to resemble music production. While intellectually sound, the thought was devastating. I've spent years mastering the grueling process of game design; is that effort now $\text{obsolete}$?

However, Zach is a brilliant engineer and designer. His latest work, Uncamera (an iOS app), is a testament to intentional craft. Instead of using post-processing filters, it utilizes raw sensor data and lookup tables to achieve a genuine film aesthetic.

![Placeholder: Photos from Uncamera showing film-like quality]

Crucially, Uncamera was built without generative AI. Zach’s reasoning mirrors my own: the joy is in the making. While he continued to iterate on his project despite the industry's anxiety, I spent my time wallowing.

Choosing the Hard Way

In response, I decided to build my own game engine using C++.

// A glimpse into the "hard way"
void renderFaux3D() {
    for(int y = 0; y < SCREEN_HEIGHT; y++) {
        // Manual projection logic instead of using a library
        float depth = calculateDepth(y);
        drawScanline(depth);
    }
}

If my goal were mere productivity or market competition, I would use Unity, Unreal, or Godot. I wouldn't be wasting time on a faux-3D renderer. I do it because I love the process and because the learning happens in the struggle.

The Three Paths

After speaking with Zach, I realized I have three options:

Final Resolution

I've decided on the third path. I will keep learning, keep struggling, and keep building things the "wrong" way, simply because I want to.

• Acknowledge the crash
• Analyze the trigger
• Keep building the C++ engine
• Ignore the "efficiency" trap

Bottom line: The world might be devaluing the process, but the process is where the value lives for me. Fuck it, make it anyway.